Consider the feedback you received from your peers and your instructor, and revise your story. Add a paragraph at the end explaining what you revised, and/or what revisions you decided against and why.
Submit the revised version through the assignment link.
Grading criteria: Your story exhibits the original criteria and shows a refinement in your storytelling techniques.
Previous Story: Attached in PDF
Feedbacks from peer and professor
1). Your story was an amazing read for me. Though it took me three reads to fully understand what you were saying, I felt every emotion you put out. Olivia watching everything she has ever known change right before her eyes is a feeling that is becoming more and more common. Reconstruction/Destruction in hope of modernity is a two-sided issue that has good points for both sides. In Olivia’s case however, her roots in the city are far deeper than any elderly because her family has been in the city for generations. I loved the way you described the area in the first paragraph. The word metamorphosis stood out to me because it is the perfect word to describe the mood of the story. The heavy descriptions for a simple moment in time is a feat I hope to be able to achieve one day. It was like reading a lighter and more personal version of Edgar Allen Poe. This story also points out the dynamic between residents of a city and its representatives. It is obvious that the people in power are the ones that authorized for the square to be remodeled, probably without asking the residents. Personally I don’t see any flaw in your story. The only somewhat negative is it could take multiple reads to understand what is going on but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
2). your story does a good job of drawing the conflict between tradition and change. This is a good theme and timely since our world reflects this tension. Your story starts with a compelling description of a stately and storied past told through architecture – a thought-provoking situation to consider. The aspect of your writing I would suggest working on is your clarity of expression. Could you engage in more direct precise descriptions of what Olivia does? What makes her decide to seek out Mr. Jenkins, what might they have siad to each other about the heritage buildings and the bulldozers? Clearly the governing body in the city must have given permission but why? When Olivia climgs the bell tower, the reader wants to have more specific detail. How does she manage to get to the clock face? What happens when she grasps the hands? Does she stare down the workers, Do they retreat? Does Olivia’s action save the tower? How does this lead to a shift in the destructive wave of change? These sort of details would really make the action in your story come alive. It would also be a good idea to sketch out what transformation takes place so that the clock tower now “resonates with vibrant symphonies”. Often you set out really positive outcomes. The reader would love to know how you got there. Your ending is great. The dancing metaphor you employ invokes shared action, rythm, harmony and melody – a satisfying way to draw the action in your story to a conclusion. Good work but would benefit from a little more clarity of expression.
