Please Edit this paper to turn it into a Graduate Level Essay! Based on the following feedback:
Right now your argument is a bit thin, the essay is is very repetitive and not very much in-depth, and its conclusions are not very satisfying.
Argument: you assume from the start that globalization would bring women benefits if only it weren’t for the problems you point out, whereas it seems to me that globalization (whatever you mean by that term, which you don’t specify) could be held responsible for producing those effects…that you don’t get globalization without increased inequity is a stronger argument. (and here too you might consider the question about class that I asked you in the seminar)
Repetitive: Each of your sections says more or less the same thing… essentially that women in urban centers largely benefit (even if therer are problems), that those in rural areas don’t, and that a digital divide exists between the two. Which is fine up to a point, but you don’t need to be making the same couple of observations over and over again.
In-depth: Even if you do want to repeat those points, you could perhaps substantiate them more. As it stands, you are mostly just making assertions with no evidence (e.g. statistics from scholars or observers or even the government, first-hand accounts, journalistic accounts, etc.)
Conclusions: Supposing that you’re correct that the problems you see are soluble by “policy” (rather than, say, being endemic to globalization processes), your discussion is very vague. You wave in the direction of policies, but you don’t specify much and you don’t give any accounbt of whether any such policies are in the offing, or have been proposed and rejected, etc.
PLEASE MAKE SURE TO READ THE FEEDBACK AND EDIT THE ESSAY ACCORDINGLY!
